Let's talk about sex baby...
In a fun, informative, and empowering way
The summer temperatures keep rising and it’s getting hot in here! Heat can spark our senses, especially the sexual senses. Sexual communication and empowerment have many different meanings, and sex itself can sometimes be an awkward and or triggering topic depending on someone’s past experiences. Our sexual preferences and how we communicate our sexual desires can change as we evolve through life experiences and relationships. For our next held event, we are partnering with Jennifer Wiessner, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Sex Therapist. Jennifer will help demystify the cultural reasons why we struggle to express our sexual desires and discuss methods to overcome those barriers, including past trauma, ito become better communicators. We chatted with Jennifer below and asked her a few questions on the topics you will hear more about at our July 25th event. To register for the event, click here.
Can you tell us a bit about your journey to becoming a certified sex therapist?
JW: After becoming pregnant with my second son unexpectedly and opening a private practice with another mom where we both worked with adolescents and couples, I attended a training with a colleague without inquiring about the content. I love a good training and being social! It turned out to be with a renowned sex therapist out of MA who was educated about her book, where she explored the intersection of spirituality and sexuality. In my upbringing, these two things never shared the same space! I was mesmerized and was having strange body sensations throughout the training. Although I have a chronic illness, these felt much different. After lunch, an older gentleman approached me, and we started chatting; I was very excited about what I was learning, and he informed me that he was the only certified sex therapist in Maine. I told him before today, I did not know what a sex therapist was. In this epiphanic moment, he said, "I am 67 years old, and one day I will retire, and all that I have learned will go with me. How about you take this over from me.” WHAT? Without a thought (to this day, I am still amazed), I stretched out my hand and shook his. To this day, I wonder where that courage came from other than this being my mission and purpose on this planet, which I now know to be so deeply true. That weekend, I began my journey and was in Cambridge, MA, at that renowned sex therapist’s home with other sex therapists, stepping into the scary unknown. Almost four years later of learning, mentoring and supervision with that gentleman I met that day in 2009, in 2012, I became the only female certified sex therapist in Maine. There is nothing else I could hope for in a calling since this is most certainly not a job but my purpose for my time here.
What does sexual empowerment mean to you? Could you provide a few steps that can help a person become more sexually empowered in their life?
JW: Sexual empowerment, to me, is an integration of one's sexual self as part of one's humanity, to feel at ease in one's sexual self, and having the knowledge, skills, and awareness to make healthy decisions about the body without fearing the judgment of others. It’s being able to love our bodies for their mysteries, unique qualities, and frailties and, if we choose, to be able to share our sexuality with others without shame.
A few steps to move towards sexual health and embodiment could be:
Seek medically accurate, shame-free sexuality information that fits with who you are. Most of us have little to no healthy sexual information (or shameful messages!) and have struggled with the effects of that. Allow yourself some grace to be a learner regardless of age. LEARN, learn from books like Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz, and Sex, God and the Conservative Church by Tina Sellers for those who have lived with religious shame.
Acknowledge that you are a sexual being. We all are; from womb to tomb, the level does not matter. One person’s fire is another person’s ember. There is no shame in acknowledging all of who you are and all of that magic within you.
Realize that energy is energy. We are made up of energy, and it isn’t separated out. So creative energy and sexual energy can occupy the same space and feed each other. Use your creative energy to boost your sexual energy and vice versa. Sexual empowerment is how we cultivate our energy and use it for life-filling pleasure, love, and body joy. Seeking this from within and cultivating what you may have been taught is “bad” or not what women do, but it is self-love and moves us towards greater self-actualization by fully realizing all of our inner potential.
Shame is like pine pitch. We wash our hands, and you can still feel the sticky residue. Sexual shame is similar. Work on your shame by talking about it with someone you trust or in therapy. Shame is an intense, painful feeling of being unlovable, and that feeling, if unresolved, can remain sticky forever and impede things that could bring us joy, pleasure, or abundance. This happens often in our sexuality and we declare ourselves as “bad” or “flawed”. Shame is not healthy and can lead us to never fully appreciate the joy, potential, and connection of our sexuality. Knowing our shame can help us to conquer it. Always remember, we are not born with shame; it is taught, and no one “deserves” shame. Note the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is focused on behavior (not on self) and can help us look at our behavior and change it.
When we fully honor all the parts of who we are, especially our sexuality, we can love ourselves, creating a greater likelihood that we attract relationships that honor all of who we are, allowing us to live a more sexuality-embodied and intentional life.
Each generation seems to have different sexual communication techniques (how my parents talked about sex is different than I do, and how they explained sex to me - if they even did! - is different than how I want to approach the topic with my children) - have you seen any generation to have better skills on the subject and any predictions on how our sexual communication behaviors will evolve?
JW: First, I am an optimist, so my response will reflect that. I tend to see the critical work that goes on in so many pockets of our society as sex-positive progress, even amongst some of the most sex-negative cultural shifts we are experiencing. For example, over 5,200 adults have attended my Raising Sexually Healthy Children workshops in Maine since 2012. Every person I educate has the potential to positively impact their children and other adults these adults come in contact with. From my perspective, the potential is limitless. For those who attend the held event on July 25th with me, there is the potential to shift the mindsets of attendees that can further bring sexuality out of the dark, shameful corner our society relegates it to. Youth today are expressing themselves more in their identities and expression in the light of day, and in my opinion, we see healthy sexuality and expression reflected in persons of notoriety around the world standing up for who they are. This reflection can empower those who have felt unseen and oppressed. We also have many sexual justice organizations advocating for adults and youth more than before. We have so far to go, but that does not mean we overlook the great strides we are making. For me, in Maine, I feel I am making a difference, and I hope to continue to do so alongside so many other organizations and professionals to move toward equity, understanding, and celebration of our bodies and the reflections they put out into the world.
IT’S THE (not so) LITTLE THINGS
Tenaya and Mare share their sexual experiences and journeys. We hope our community finds the July 25th event and entries below helpful in taking the first step or recommitting to becoming more sexually empowered.
Tenaya - I’ve never put pen to paper when it comes to sex or even shared my young adulthood sexual experiences with an audience. But, writing the below and developing content for the July 25th event with Jennifer and Mare has been liberating.
I was highly sexualized and harassed as a young woman, which impacted how I viewed myself and connected sexually. I was stalked in high school by a guy who was a couple of years older and, at that time, was attending a local college. He and I had never spoken a word, but when he saw me at a holiday party my sophomore year, I became one of his targets. It started with him driving by my house every day, harassing my friends about my whereabouts, and calling administrators at my school to get me out of class. This later evolved into the local police and my high school principal devising a stakeout. The administrators arranged for me to sit in the parking lot, waiting for him to come get me from school while local police officers and school security were hidden around the school property. He never showed up that day and continued to stalk me on and off for two more years. It wasn’t until he took his own life that the harassment came to an end.
In college, I had an ex-boyfriend who had graduated and would break into my dorm room and email my advisor for advice on how to rekindle our relationship. The Dean of Students and campus security ended up getting involved. There were many other experiences, such as my uncle’s creepy friend who hit on me at a family party asking to come visit me at school, or in my 20s, a family friend in his 50s making a pass at me, or at work, the ad executive whistling when I would walk by the creative department. It was all so confusing, icky, and, yes, traumatizing. I felt sexualized, exposed, and unprotected. I had always thought I had done something inappropriate to warrant the attention. And years later, when living in New York City and pregnant with my first child, a girl, I went to a shaman, desperate to cleanse myself from the sexual trauma. I wanted us both to be unshackled by the past, unmoored by all the unwanted energy.
Until I met my husband, sex for me was more focused on my sexual partner’s needs than my own, and I never felt like I could be vulnerable enough to connect deeply with someone. I had built an impenetrable wall that only started to come down after years of therapy. It was in those therapy sessions that I started to process the unsought advances and unfulfilling sexual experiences so I could be more present, emotionally available, and free to communicate my desires. For me, sexual communication and empowerment will always be a journey and one that I’m committed to for me, my husband, and my daughters.
Mare - I don’t think I’ve ever really explored my sexual experiences and that journey over the years. I guess there’s a time for everything! I am a little apprehensive about the overshare, but. here. we. go.
Growing up in an Irish Catholic household sex was rarely discussed and if it was brought up there was a lot of whispering, and oh, heaven forbid it was shown in a movie, I was immediately told to leave the room. I have vivid memories of humping pillows as a child and being told that was wrong to do to my body. Over the years, that resulted in a lot of shame. It was also a time of being hugged by sometimes creepy uncles and priests and being told it was impolite not to hug them back. Into my adolescent years, my parents discussed puberty with me but never really got into the sex talk. I should add that I don’t fault them for this. They were older parents (my mom had me at 46 which was unheard of that time) and were part a different generation of learnings on the subject.
Fast forward to high school, and I wouldn’t say there was a lot of interest in this lanky-legged-Ensure-chugging athlete. I was also intertwined in a Will & Grace-ish relationship that got a bit complicated, and now, looking back, I can see where my self-esteem started to tank due to a couple of less-than-supportive coaches. What a time to be alive! Once I moved to NYC for college, my sexual curiosity began to peak, as did my alcohol intake to often numb any insecurities I had around my body and lack of sexual experiences. My virginity was lost to a random band member I met at Pianos on the LES. That opened the floodgates to a promiscuous decade for me. My 20s were filled with several one-night stands that sometimes led to longer-term relationships that I would eventually sabotage somehow. In my late 20s, I started more serious dating but nothing long-term - I was having fun, though! At 30, I met my husband, Mike. I came into that relationship with a bit of guilt for my sexual behaviors in my 20s (including more sexual partners than him). This was something created by me, not him, and perhaps a few comments I had heard over the years. I had looked back on my early 20s as a bit of a mess - jumping from job to job, boy to boy, eating disorder to eating disorder, and even though by the time I was 30, things began to calm down, I still felt guilty for being that “mess.” It took some time and therapy to work through. Through my 30s and being in a more serious relationship with my now husband, I began to feel more secure in my sexuality. Fast forward to marriage and a couple of kids later, my sexual desires and how those are communicated have changed. Sometimes, actually, most times, they need to be given a bit more attention than they get these days, and that’s okay! Life is busy, sometimes watching The Bear is more appealing, my body feels different post kiddos and in my 40s, but I think just acknowledging that and communicating it to my partner and myself helps! Comparison is the thief of joy (and we know from Inside Out 2 we need to hold onto Joy!), so it’s not helpful to overthink anyone else’s sex life. I believe that it does take work, though, and maybe trying new things. One thing I’ve never embraced - toys! So this is the decade I give toys a whirl - why not? A good friend recently recommended Sex with Emily. Her Instagram is a great follow, and I’ve dove into a couple of her podcasts and products. While the toys are fun, doing the work of just being open to myself and honoring my own sexual journey is a good start for me. I hope working through this myself helps create a more open and positive dialogue about sexuality for my girls.
UPCOMING EVENTS
Communication and Sexual Empowerment - Thursday, July 25th, 7-9 PM @ O’Maine Studios
Join Jennifer Wiessner, a Social Worker and Sex Therapist, for an educational tutorial on why we might struggle to talk about sex and how to change that. This thought-provoking tutorial will help attendees feel less burdened, acquire knowledge on how to improve connection and leave with additional resources to help support them on their journey.
The Art of Gathering and Entertaining - Thursday, September 19th, 6-9 PM @ The Custom House
Held is partnering with Chef Eva Mrak of The Spoondrift Kitchen for an evening to celebrate intentional gatherings. Attendees will learn how to create more meaningful gatherings for themselves and their guests and elevate their event’s aesthetic.
SHOUT OUTS
We are very grateful to have Aristelle sponsoring our July 25th event. Established in 2014, Aristelle is an award-winning women's lingerie boutique in the heart of Portland's Old Port. We specialize in bra fit and work with women of all ages, shapes, and sizes to help them find the right bra for their unique bust size, shape, and lifestyle needs. We carry a range of products, from everyday basics to specially curated pieces made of the finest materials from around the world. More than a specialty boutique, Aristelle is an experiential business that invites women to step inside and explore lingerie as a form of self-care and an expression of self-love. We help women view themselves through a fresh perspective as they navigate the different phases of contemporary life and help them Love What's Underneath.
In September 2019, I closed the chapter of my corporate career to pursue my desire for small business ownership. During the last five years, I have experienced tremendous personal and professional joy and purpose in growing Aristelle into the community of wonderful and inspiring women it is today. My mission is to help break down the barrier our society has created around the word lingerie so that all women can comfortably and confidently explore lingerie for what it truly is.
LOCAL EVENT- JULY 20 | COOKBOOK SIGNING WITH YASMIN FAHR AT VIAND MERCANTILE
This Saturday, Viand Mercantile will host a book signing with cookbook author and NYTimes contributor Yasmin Fahr! Local chef Eva of Spoondrift Kitchen will prepare bites from Yasmin's book, along with beer and wine. The store will also be open for shopping. Tickets are available here.
ABOUT
Held was an idea that developed over a cup of coffee. Tenaya and Mary Beth are passionate about their Portland, Maine, female community and ensuring others feel supported and connected.
Modern life can often be frenetic and lonely, and most people do not prioritize building their community because it feels daunting or inaccessible. Held believes that feeling seen and having a sense of belonging are key to one’s well-being. It’s committed to developing events that inspire, promote inclusivity, and celebrate diversity of thought to foster meaningful relationships and personal growth. Held designs each gathering to be transformative by reimagining human connection.
Tenaya and Mary Beth, A very deep thank you for your intimate sharing and creating a space for others to consider their own journey and its impact. <3